, , , ,

My parents divorce was final the same month I turned three. I remember very little from them being married but the few memories I do have are of them fighting. Both my parents are alcoholics.

One of my childhood memories that sticks out with my dad’s alcoholism is when we were little (I was around 5 and the oldest around 15) he took us to a “club/bar” that had a playground outside. My siblings and I were to play at the playground while he went inside to hang out with friends and drink. I don’t remember how long he stayed in there but when it was time to leave (and my turn to sit in the front seat) my oldest sibling told me I had to sit in the back seat because dad was too drunk. He drove us back to his place drunk but my memory is not being able to sit in the front seat like a big girl. I look back now and thank God he never hurt someone physically with his drunk driving. It hurts me knowing he thought so much of the alcohol and not his kids. Later when we needed him he was there though.

Now here is one about mom’s alcoholism. Unlike dad being a stupid drunk, mom was a mean drunk. She would often lose her temper and throw things or hit my siblings and me or her husband. My most vivid memory of one of her outbursts was when she got in a fight with her husband. I was probably around 7 or 8 and was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. I had already changed in to my nightgown (a large adult t-shirt given to me by my grandfather) and was barefoot. I heard the yelling start then she started throwing glass objects toward to kitchen and they were hitting the side of the refrigerator. Glass was going everywhere on the floor and I ended up getting so scared I hid in the bottom of the pantry so I could close the door and not be hit. After a little bit it stopped and I remember mom carrying me out of the kitchen since I had no shoes on and there was glass everywhere.

I have had my mom’s temper for as long as I can remember. I used to punch holes in walls and throw things too. When I was 12 I started going to see a therapist and my anger was one thing we worked on. I saw her for 7 years and while I still have anger issues I am nowhere near as violent as I used to be. I hate admitting that but this is about being emotionally naked and I have to admit those things.