It’s been a while

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Life has been busy lately so haven’t posted. Here are things in a nutshell.

I finally started painting my nativity set I purchased in September. I started cleaning the house, found the box and decided to start. I have taken a few days off from painting but I at least have Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus finished. I should really get back on that but first I have to get back to that cleaning and organization so I can get my decorations out and prepare for Christmas at my house.

So Thanksgiving came and I had a wonderful time at my in-laws as usual. We had our meal, made out our Christmas lists, drew names for the gift exchange and put up the Christmas tree. Everything is always such low stress there and it makes for a nice day. We did have to leave the puppy dog at home instead of bringing him this year since my nephew was bringing his 3 year old little girl. She hasn’t been around big dogs and we didn’t want to make her scared. My other niece lives with dogs and she never has a problem with our big sweetie.

Black Friday rolls around and I spent the day shopping online. Crowds aren’t my thing and unless I am worried about the quality of something I stick to the internet. I enjoyed just hanging around the house with the husband and the dog. We watched tv and took a nap before going out to a party Friday night.

Now Saturday rolls around and it is looking to be another busy day. Thanksgiving dinner with my sister at her house and then Italian Thanksgiving with my friend Jay from out of town. We get to my sisters house at the designated time of 3:00pm. As usual she wasn’t ready but we figured it would be 30-40 minutes. We were wrong. We had to leave around 5:45 to meet my friend at the restaurant at 6:30 and when we left she still didn’t have dinner ready. (Dinner wasn’t actually finished until 7:00) And because I didn’t eat anything before I was starving. Once we met Jay and some other friends at the restaurant we had a great time. I finally got some great food (chicken livers) and enjoyed seeing Jay since it has been a while.

So with the frustration of Thanksgiving dinner being so late I brought up about having Christmas at my house. My sister is going along with it for now but I don’t think she is too happy about it. For whatever reason she wants to cram everyone in to her little living room and run around the house like a chicken with her head cut off making food that no one really eats because she puts weird stuff on it. I prefer my food more basic with just enough seasoning to accent the food but not over power it. My living room is larger and opens up to the dining room and kitchen. Hopefully we will get a date set this week and I can start planning. I am going to have my cousin come help cook and get everything ready since she got pushed out of helping my sister.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving holiday and are looking at having a great Christmas season!!

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Vegas Baby!

So a little elf dropped off my Christmas bonus a little early and I just had to spend it on a trip to Vegas for my husband’s birthday/Christmas present. He always gets me with the double whammy on gifts so close together and this year is going to be epic! We have talked about Vegas for years and it just never happened.

Things have been going better lately. I am still slowly but surely feeling back to my old self. I also feel more confident that I have made the right decisions on severing ties with some people I thought were friends.

 

Halloween fun and the stuff my dog put up with

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This is going to be a little on the long side but I included a really cute picture of my dog so it’s worth it.

So last weekend I went camping with my husbands family for a Halloween campout. We go every year and always have a great time. I really enjoy spending time with my husbands family because I get to see first hand how much love a family can have for each other.

The Saturday of the campout is always filled with many events. The day starts with the Witch’s Flea Market at any camp sites that choose to participate, kid’s pumpkin carving contests, field games and then the costume contests start. The begin with the infants, then 5-7 year olds, 7-10 year olds, 10-13 year olds and then they get to the pet costume contests. We always enter our dog. He has won a few times and when he lost we always went back to the tent thinking how we could make his costume better for next year. Yes we are stage moms! So all year I had this plan to dress my 120 pound dog as a chia pet. Due to my procrastination I never went to get the items to make his costume. A couple weeks ago my husband ran across a Hawaiian shirt at the local Goodwill for a couple dollars. He grabbed it and we decided to dress our big baby as a tourist! We had the camera, hat and sunglasses to complete his costume.

He is smiling because he knows how awesome he is.

There were 14 dogs in the competition and they paraded around in front of the judges for a few minutes and then it was over and we had to wait until the contest winner presentation at the end of the evening before finding out who won.

We went back to the tent again to have dinner instead of going to the potluck at the pavilion. We enjoyed a great dinner between the twelve of us and then sat around the fire just playing a little catch up until time for the winners to be announced.

We headed up to the pavilion at 8:00pm with out camping chairs and patiently (at least everyone but me was patient) waited for the announcement. They start off the evening festivities with the adult costume contest. They come in parade in front of the judges then they have a little dance. Some bluegrass is played and the participants have a little hoe down. It is always very interesting to watch and we always laugh a lot.

Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life waiting on them to finish the parading/dancing and then winners being announced. I am not sure why I was so anxious this time but I just wanted to know one way or the other if my dog won. And of course because I was so anxious they started with the pumpkin carving, then the costume contests by age AND sex. Then we go to the pet portion.

So they announce 3rd place and it wasn’t my dog. They get to 2nd place and again it wasn’t my dog. Finally they get to 1st place and they announced my dog!! We were so excited. His prize was a bag of bacon strips treats and a little food bowl. The food bowl was way too small for him so we are going to find someone to give it to. Of course he loved the treats.

So to this weekend. Our local pet supply store was having a pet costume contest and since I am working on trying to get out of the house more outside work I asked the hubby is he wanted to take our dog up there. Of course he was up to it because he is less of a homebody than me.

Walking in at registration time there really weren’t a lot of pets there. There were seventeen dogs and one cat entered by the time the contest started. Thankfully this one didn’t take too long to announce winners. Third place, a little white fluffy dog dressed as the ond lady in the shoe including a “shoe” made out of a box. Second place, was a 3-legged dog dressed as a pirate, including a hook in place of his missing front leg. First place…………………our boy again!!!!

have had so much fun this Halloween so far and I think the dog enjoys meeting new “friends” when we take him out.

Sorry for the length. Maybe one of these days I will take some writing classes and learn to write like a real writer.

 

 

 

Moving Forward

So after removing a few people from my life that I felt weren’t real friends I am working on moving on. I still feel a little “lost” but firmly believe I did the right thing. There is a Halloween party coming up and a few of the people I no long associate with will be there. I am a little nervous about being around them for the first time and really hoping things go well. Part of my problem is me letting go. I really hold on to the negative feelings instead of the positive. I am hoping as time goes by this blog will help me move forward. I am open to any suggestions if anyone has any.

Some good and some bad

Finally had a little time away and it was much needed. Our wonderful dog won 1st  place in the pet costume contest at the campout. He beat 13 other dogs! Most of my husbands side of the family was there. Just one nephew, his girlfriend and their daughter were not there. Hopefully next year they can make it too.

Now to the serious stuff. A good friend of ours lost his brother yesterday unexpectedly. His brother was just 23 years old. I feel for him and his recent loss. While I haven’t lost a sibling in my lifetime (I have twin sisters that died at birth 11 years before me.) I have lost a parent and that is about as close as you can get. Mom’s loss is still very hard for me and I know I felt abandoned and I cannot do that to him. Just make sure to please tell those you love that you love them. You never know how long they will be around. When your friends lose a loved one make sure you are there in whatever way possible. From experience I know how much it hurts when your friends aren’t there when you need them.

Change is a coming

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A lot has been going on the past few days and I haven’t really had a chance to post anything. This is going to be a little long and a little scattered so bear with me.

After my last blog my uncle’s mother-in-law passed away and so did my cousins grandmother within 12 hours of each other. I attended two funerals this Monday and am still waiting on the call about my grandfather. I am tired of death and tired of funerals. I have been to too many funerals over my life and especially this year.

Thankfully I am planning a little weekend away with my husband and his family this weekend. We go camping locally and will be able to enjoy some time away from the internet. I realized this week that a lot of my feelings lately have been about feeling like there is no one on my team except my husband. My church let me down, my choir let me down, several people I considered close friends let me down. I want my friends to say “I love you and I support you no matter what.” Instead I have friends that say “I don’t want to get involved.” They also go out of their way to befriend a few people that have treated my husband and I like shit. I severed ties with a few people over today over this. I feel for me to start moving forward I need to change the people that are around me. Knowing the right thing is to change the people around me doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like I am having to start all over but I will feel better with a few good friends than a lot of half assed friends.

Thanks for listening.

Well that sucks

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So I felt so great after posting my last blog. I felt like a little bit of the pain was lifted off me. Of course things don’t stay that way for me. I get a call that my grandfathers health is declining and hospice is being called in. This news isn’t a complete shock because he has been in a nursing home for about a year but it still sucks. My issues started when I went to the nursing home to see him. Because of HIPPA laws they cannot discuss his health with me without my Uncle’s okay since he is POA. The nursing staff calls my uncle and he tells them not to share anything with me and I needed to get the info from him. I have been trying to call him back for hours and no able to get a hold of him. What kind of fucked up shit is that? He tells me I have to go through him but then doesn’t answer his phone. Then he calls my sister and fills her in. Will he call me back? No apparently. I am so over this family. When my grandfather passes I really will be finished with everyone in my family. I said my goodbyes to him tonight and might not attend his funeral to be around people that obviously do not want me around. My grandfather “died” a long time ago. The body that is in that home is not my grandfather and hasn’t been for a long time. My husbands family is my family now and they want me around. They accept me for me and don’t leave me out. I have been so depressed for months over all the drama and bullshit after my mom died and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I need to live life for me and give a big fuck you to the people I am related to by blood. I ❤ you B.

I miss my mom

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So I started three different posts this morning and finally decided on this one. This will probably be one of the hardest posts I will ever write.

My mom was an alcoholic as slightly touched upon here. When I was little I always loved singing. I would sing anything and everything on the radio at home, in the car, at school I was in the choir. Singing was so much fun for me. During one of her drunken rages she told me no matter what I did I would never be Shania Twain or Reba McEntire. Knowing my own mother didn’t believe I had any talent was hard and caused a lot of self-confidence issue that I still struggle with.

Mom had to create an illusion to everyone around her that she was June Cleaver and we had the perfect family. Reality was FAR from the illusion she projected. She remarried the same year her divorce with my dad was final. She met her husband in counseling she was taking for her anger and divorce. What I found out later was he was in counseling for abusing his daughter sexually. Then comes along a woman with 3 young girls at home and he pounced on it. She knew what he had done to his own daughter but thought she needed a man to make herself whole and he was willing.

When I was around 11 or 12 was when he started making comments to me. He never touched me but I was abused by him. I remember one time sitting on the living room floor watching Saved by the Bell and he came up behind me kicking me lightly in the back trying to get me to cuss at him by calling me a bitch, a slut, and a whore. I refused because I knew what he was doing wasn’t right but I didn’t fully understand it at the time.

On October 7th, 1996 my sister finally told a teacher at school what this man was doing. They sprung in to action and CPS took us from my mothers home. My dad took us in while we were wards of the state for two years. During that two years mom could have gotten us back if she left that man. She didn’t because she didn’t want to lose her house. More self confidence issues ensued because my mom chose a house over her children. Then she moved 1,000 miles away so she wouldn’t have to admit to her friends that she lost custody. She told everyone she got a job offer there and we wanted to stay with our dad in our home state.

Things were rocky for a few years obviously. She had supervised visitation only and even phone calls had to be monitored by my dad or stepmom. Eventually we started talking again. She was my mom and I wanted to try to change her mind. To show her I was worth loving because at the time I didn’t think I was. We would fight and not talk much for a year or two and then back together for a year or two. I always hoped she would come to her senses and dump the husband but she never did.

October of 2010 she came in to town and we go in to it again. I didn’t call her on Christmas and vice versa. When Mother’s Day came around my husband told me to call her and I refused. I never knew how to accept that the June Cleaver mom projected was never going to be my mom and that angered me.

On Saturday, June 18th of this year mom was rushed to the hospital in severe pain. It turned out her kidneys shut down. After further tests it was determined she had double pneumonia, kidney failure, and a blood infection that caused her blood pressure to plummet. She was dieing and dieing fast. By Sunday morning her hands and feet were blue. By Monday morning she was dead. I never got to say goodbye. I had to chance to say Happy Mother’s Day and I didn’t. None of her children were on speaking terms with her at the time of her death. None of us ever were able to say goodbye and we will have to live the rest of our lives knowing we could have but we didn’t.

I struggle daily with moms death. On one hand I want to stay angry at her for feeling like she never put us first. Part of me just wants my mom back. We had good times to and I don’t want to vilify my mother but she was no angel.  I know this is long but there is such a complex relationship here and have to tell it how it was for me.  My next post will be a happy time with Mom. I need to make sure there is a balance.

Alcoholism and the memories it creates

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My parents divorce was final the same month I turned three. I remember very little from them being married but the few memories I do have are of them fighting. Both my parents are alcoholics.

One of my childhood memories that sticks out with my dad’s alcoholism is when we were little (I was around 5 and the oldest around 15) he took us to a “club/bar” that had a playground outside. My siblings and I were to play at the playground while he went inside to hang out with friends and drink. I don’t remember how long he stayed in there but when it was time to leave (and my turn to sit in the front seat) my oldest sibling told me I had to sit in the back seat because dad was too drunk. He drove us back to his place drunk but my memory is not being able to sit in the front seat like a big girl. I look back now and thank God he never hurt someone physically with his drunk driving. It hurts me knowing he thought so much of the alcohol and not his kids. Later when we needed him he was there though.

Now here is one about mom’s alcoholism. Unlike dad being a stupid drunk, mom was a mean drunk. She would often lose her temper and throw things or hit my siblings and me or her husband. My most vivid memory of one of her outbursts was when she got in a fight with her husband. I was probably around 7 or 8 and was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. I had already changed in to my nightgown (a large adult t-shirt given to me by my grandfather) and was barefoot. I heard the yelling start then she started throwing glass objects toward to kitchen and they were hitting the side of the refrigerator. Glass was going everywhere on the floor and I ended up getting so scared I hid in the bottom of the pantry so I could close the door and not be hit. After a little bit it stopped and I remember mom carrying me out of the kitchen since I had no shoes on and there was glass everywhere.

I have had my mom’s temper for as long as I can remember. I used to punch holes in walls and throw things too. When I was 12 I started going to see a therapist and my anger was one thing we worked on. I saw her for 7 years and while I still have anger issues I am nowhere near as violent as I used to be. I hate admitting that but this is about being emotionally naked and I have to admit those things.

A little about me

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I am in my mid-late 20’s and have been married to a wonderful man for 7 years. I have sung most of my life and it is something that I did until recently and will eventually do again. (That is a-whole-another blog) I sing choral music and will never be the next American Idol but it is something I always enjoyed. Making beautiful music and knowing that it touched someone made me proud.

In my first post I said I spend a lot of time hiding my emotions but that really isn’t 100% true. Music can bring out emotion in me. I can also cry like a baby at movies or tv shows. (I am sitting here watching Army Wives on Netflix and feel like I got punched in the face from crying.) I love my husband and I have a dog I love and adore. The dog kept bringing home animals from the woods so we bought him a hamster. A year and a half in to it and they are such awesome friends.

I can get angry very easy and a little snarky at times. Anything I view as possibly vulnerable is what I tend to hide. If I am hurt, feel abandoned, embarrassed, ect. I end up just tamping it down. I at times feel like I have to be glue to hold everything together and am trying to learn no to do that. I need to let it out and if letting it out anonymously online helps me to learn and grow I definitely will be doing that.